NOTE: I intended to write this post before I just read a friend's announcement on Facebook.
Over the weekend hubby and I watched Facing the Giants again with his parents. This time, their struggle of starting their family really struck me, especially one line spoken by Grant to his wife that basically asked her if the Lord never gives them a baby, would she still love Him? (Him being God).
I know I mentioned on my bucket list for 2010 to "start a family". What I haven't mentioned before is that we've been trying to get pregnant for a year now with no success.
I'm not going to lie. I experience very mixed emotions when I hear about others who are expecting...especially when they weren't wanting to start a family yet, or they got married or started trying after we did, or it's their 2nd or 3rd child, or they're choosing to adopt before they start a biological family.
I've dealt with these emotions when I learned my sister was pregnant with number 2 (whom she conceived while on the pill; same with number 1). I've dealt with these emotions when I learned friends who got married after us are already unexpectedly expecting. I've dealt with these emotions as some of my friends are praising another friend for choosing to adopt before starting a biological family. I've dealt with these emotions as many good friends have had 2nd or 3rd babies before I've been able to get pregant with my 1st. I've dealt with these emotions every time someone asks or jokes that it's about time we had a baby.
On the outside, I try to appear happy for those friends who are expecting because I know deep down inside I really am happy for them. But it's hard. It's very, very hard.
It's hard because I know most people's response is "you can always adopt." Don't get me wrong. Adoption is a great thing and maybe someday it will be a road I walk. But choosing to adopt and having adoption as your only option of how to grow a family are two very different things.
This post is not intended to be a "poor me" post. It's not intended to belittle the joy and excitment of those I know who are expecting. This post is to hopefully explain to some friends why I may not seem overly excited for them. This post is to request prayer that the Lord will bless us with a biological baby, and that if that's not His will that He'll open our hearts to adoption. This post is to say that no matter what, I will still love Him.