Esther 4:14b

"...and who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this."

Monday, November 3, 2008

Struggling with Kindness

Warning: Post ahead may come across as complaining, but I'm just sharing something I've been struggling with lately.

I admit that I have not been the nicest person lately. In fact, yesterday I had to follow the advice from Thumper's mom in Bambi that "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."

Basically, I'm tired of having so many other people (or animals for that matter) around besides me and my husband. Hubby's sister & her husband are moving to London tomorrow so this weekend was filled with craziness of family and dogs. Needless to say, I'm not too excited about the fact that their crazy beagle is living with us until he's cleared to fly to London in March. This is the same dog that peed in my craft room 6 times leaving the white carpet with yellow polka dots. The same dog who nearly devoured my cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory this past weekend. The same dog who yelps loudly or has to climb up on the counters to get food. Now, don't get me wrong, I love dogs, or more correctly, I love well-behaved dogs. Hopefully she'll calm down, but I got reprimanded this weekend for not being too nice or welcoming to the dog living with us until March. Kindness and helpfulness...not something I displayed to my sister-in-law and her dog.

I'm also struggling with living with my in-laws. They're great people, but there's times where I want to be a bump on the log and watch tv all day (or at least for a couple hours on a weekend morning) and I feel like I get judged for doing that. They're working and I'm dare I! If it was just hubby and I, I wouldn't have to answer to my in-laws (even if it's mentally) for how I spend my time or when I decide to do my "chores", etc. It's especially hard when this morning I realized while getting ready that this whole situation of living with the in-laws while trying to save money is not really that. In fact, living with my in-laws results in us paying two mortgages (the one on the house we're sharing...yes, we pay the mortgage, but my no means is it "our" house...and the one we just bought) and two separate utility bills. How is this "saving" us money? Kindness and gratitude...something I'm struggling with in regards to my current living situation.

Another area I'm really struggling with is in terms of money, or lack thereof. I've always been very fiscally responsible and never spent more than I earned. It's been a big shock for me since I got married because with hubby running his own business, plus the few mom & pop deals we have on the side, we have to float alot of things on our own credit cards which makes our personal debt look outrageous. (This is another reason why I get so frustrated with having to pay the two mortgages mentioned above.) My goal of living with the in-laws was to pay off all our student loans and any personal credit card debt we may have so that we can move out in a year with a clean slate. If we didn't have to float so much personal money to cover up for employees who stole from our mom & pop shop, we wouldn't be in the financial situation we are. It's just hard. I know it's not hubby's fault because he's working hard and he's not to blame for theiving employees; I know it's not the in-laws fault because they're scrapping by too since they had to float alot of their own money.

It's just frustrating when I work a full-time job plus freelance bookkeeping, hubby works his full-time job plus the farm plus this mom & pop job plus his politics, and the in-laws work the mom & pop job and we still don't know where the next penny is coming from to pay bills. It's frustrating when you've been responsible with your funds but for reasons outside of your control, your finances look like they're in shambles. This has caused strife between me and hubby because when I voice my frustrations he thinks it's frustrations at him. I know he's working like a dog and I'm proud of him for that. I know God is wanting to use this time to teach me utter dependence on Him for every single penny. Hopefully I learn the lesson soon because right now all I'm succeeding in doing is making myself and those around me miserable. Kindness, trust & thankfulness...something I'm struggling with right now in regards to finances.

Kindness, a fruit of the Spirit that God is really working to refine in me right now. Hopefully I learn the lesson soon.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart - and my thoughts and prayers go out to you! We had to live with parents/in-laws our first year of marriage - and boy was it stretching. We love them all, but there were times I thought I was going completely crazy. Since then, I've realized that there is a reason the Bible says to "leave and Cleave..."

    This is only a short season things will get better. It helped me to focus on what was coming instead of the immediate situation.

    Hang in there - I'll be praying for you!


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