Why?

I feel like I've written this post before and maybe I have, but I just need to use this space to process today. I may lose some readers, but I don't care. I have to be real and I need to put my thoughts down someplace where I can look back on them weeks, months, years from now and see (hopefully) how far I've come in this whole sanctification thing.

The statement of Paul's found in Romans 7:15 (NASB) sums up exactly what is running through my head right now:

"For what I am doing, I do not understand;
for I am not practicing what I would like to,
but I am doing the very thing I hate."

I don't know about you, but I am selfish. I say things I don't mean just because I'm so angry at the moment. I don't stop to consider what impact I'm having on the other person until long after the words have left my mouth or the glares have left my eyes. I'm a bear my soul, raise my voice and let it all fly type of person and then expect it all to be okay a few minutes later.

You know - "Whew! Got that off my chest. Now, let's move on." Only problem is most time the other person responds with something like - "Move on? Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea how much what you just did/said hurt me? You want me just to get over it and move on?"

I'm not proud to say that this has been a life long struggle for me. When I used to watch my siblings during the summer, I'd make them call me drill Sargent and do push ups if they weren't doing their chores. Sure, we laugh about it now, but it definitely wasn't great for sibling bonding or one of the finest points of my childhood. In sixth grade I got sent to the Principal's office because I got in a fight on the playground over getting on/off the swings. Yeah, a great gal I was. The girl and I ended up becoming best friends for the rest of junior high, but still our relationship could have started in a much better way. And, I'm still too embarrassed to even come close to sharing about the numerous ways I have scarred my husband in the short five years we dated and two years we've been married. In fact, there are some days where I look back and think it's a miracle he married me at all.

Yeah, it been a daily dying to sin my whole life and it is a battle I'm seriously losing.

And, it seems that these last few months especially, the devil is trying everything he can to use this hideous sin I struggle with to drive a major wedge between me and the man I so desperately love - though my words and actions hardly reflect it at times.

Instead of being a wife last night who recognized that her man had been through an incredibly long day - up at the crack of dawn to unload 100s of bales of hay, offload our neighbors new staircase, and load up at least two more trailer loads of hay - and nicely giving him some time to unwind, watch the ballgame, take a phone call or two if he needed to, and maybe even give him a back rub to ease his aching muscles, I chose to pick a fight over one of his phone calls mainly because I felt it could have been shorter and he could have been spending more time with me. Yeah, I'm a real catch, huh?

The stupid thing is the whole time while he's on the phone I'm saying to myself in my head, "Let it go. You know if you react and get upset it's just going to end in a lot of hurt for both of you. Just let it go." As much as I wanted to do that, the very moment he got off the phone I turned into this person I despise. What could have been a great rest of the evening together instead ended up with two seriously hurting people and an empty spot in the bed next to me. First time that has ever happened (and hopefully the last) in our short two years of marriage.

Paul's words come back to haunt me, "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to, but I am doing the very thing I hate."

Why? Why do I let myself act this way? Why do I do things that I know will cause sorrow and grief and pain? Am I just some sick, demented person who enjoys inflicting torture on others? Heck, I should just stick some nails into a 2x4 and start whacking that thing around. The end result would be the same...a child of God left feeling like chopped meat because of something I did or said.

In fact, I've actually physically done that to someone. You see, I did it to Christ on the cross. My sin left him with lashes across his back, nail scars in his hands and feet, a crown of thorns crushed into his scalp and a sword driven into his side. I've already made a human being, the Son of God, look like nothing but a piece of butchered flesh. Why do I insist on doing it to sons and daughters of God still?

I'm so frustrated and angry at myself right now. No, it's not just because I've already been promised that I will never receive flowers from my husband again (as a result of some stupid thing I did last time he sent them to me) or that my husband hasn't talked to me since the argument last night and most likely won't until he returns in a week from the business trip he leaves for tomorrow. These things bother me and hurt me deeply, but I'm frustrated and angry at myself because I still choose sin.

I've been redeemed by the Creator of the universe and I still choose to thumb my nose at his sacrifice when I treat others this way.

I'm sick and tired of it. And I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll lose my husband as a result of my anger. I'm scared that if the Lord ever blesses us with a child that I'll be a mother who beats her children. I'm scared that my actions cause my witness for Christ to be so dim that nobody even sees Him when they look at me.

There is only one place I can go from here; only one place where I can turn for my marriage to be restored and for the hurt I caused to be repaired. That place is at the foot of the cross.

There are dear friends I know who would give everything they have for one more day with their husband, one more day with their dad. Meanwhile, I'm hurting the spouse God has blessed me with like there's no tomorrow.

What a wretched person I am. If it weren't for the saving grace of the Lord, there would be no hope that I can become a better person. A better wife. A better sister, daughter, friend and witness. But thankfully, God has promised that He will continue to refine me and mold me to become more like his Son. Because He is not content for me to stay the way I am. I just wish I wouldn't hurt people so badly as I go through His refining fire.